Things I Do Because I Am Afraid

Last month, I wrote about the difficulty I was having deciding what Things I Do and Things I Don’t Do. In the back of my planner, I divided a page into two columns. I titled one “Things I Do” and one “Things I Don’t Do.” I’ve added a handful of things to each list.

If I were to sit down and write everything I currently do, it would be plenty long. It might look impressive to list everything, and I might feel good about being able to do so many different things with my life. But that would be missing the point. The point of this exercise is to make a conscious decision to spend the resources available to me on things that matter to me.

As I think of things that I do, I’ve been asking myself these questions:

  • Does this align with my values?
  • Is this an area of my gifts, talents and abilities?
  • Do I find enjoyment and a sense of meaning in this activity?

These questions have been helpful, but I think I need to add another one.

A couple months ago, I started to panic about my undergraduate plans. The degree program that I am in has a set schedule covering all of the specific requirements for a BS in Health Psychology. I already had a number of credits. I took a few classes through the local community college to pick up the math and science credits I was missing. The program allows you to write essays about lessons you’ve learned throughout your life on different topics, and I was planning on doing that for the 7 credits I was short for a bachelor’s degree.

But I am not planning on stopping with a bachelor’s degree. To achieve my goal, I need at least a master’s degree. I have a grad school program selected, and it has competitive admissions. I reviewed the grad school entrance requirements. My coursework is more than adequate, but I started to worry about the educational and professional references. I think I have great educational references, but I probably should have a better professional reference. I would love to have a reference from the field of social work, but who have I had enough contact with in recent years that could provide that?

The program requires prior human services experience via professional, volunteer, internship, or research. I have been involved in the foster care and adoption community for many years, but does that count? Has it been formal enough? What about organizing the Empowered to Connect simulcast the last two years? But that is really only event planning and didn’t involve creating educational material. Does it still count?

I talked to my academic advisor who said that some, but not all, graduate schools accept the credits for prior learning. Well, maybe I could take a couple more classes from the community college. I have more than enough upper level credits already, so they should be sufficient. I signed up for a 4-week summer class. But what about the “experience” part?

The department chair talked to me about a practicum possibility. That specific one wasn’t going to work for me, but that discussion sparked several ideas. Within a few days, I had a potential practicum/internship lined up. I was ecstatic! I would be get college credits, valuable experience working with seasoned professionals, and I would have a solid professional reference! This was going to be perfect.

Three days before my summer class was to begin, it was cancelled due to low enrollment. I was disappointed because I was truly looking forward to the course. I looked at class schedules. It isn’t going to be offered until next spring/summer, and I don’t want to wait that long to get this out of the way. So I signed up for another 4-week course that starts next week.

One week after my class was cancelled, I learned that the internship possibility fell through.

I was again disappointed.

After about 15 minutes of disappointment, I started trying to figure out other options for volunteer experiences for my grad school application.

I told my therapist about this the next time we met. When I started telling him my new plan, he interrupted and asked me why I was doing this. Basically, he told me that it was silly for me to try to fit in a volunteer experience on top of everything else I do at that moment. I disagreed but said I would consider it.

Here’s what I realized when stopped and considered it: I am trying to add more to my already fully schedule because I am afraid.

I’m afraid that I won’t be accepted to a specific program. I’m afraid that I will be told that I’m not qualified. I’m afraid that I will be told that I don’t know enough. I’m afraid that I will be told I’m not enough.

I let the department chair know that I would not be pursuing a practicum or internship.

I’m still afraid that I won’t get in to grad school. But I can’t make myself crazy(ier) trying.

Since then, I’ve noticed that a lot of things that I do are motivated by fear.

So here is the additional question, which might even be the most important one of them all.

What is my motivation? Is this motivated by fear?

If the answer is yes, then it should be listed under “Things I Don’t Do.”

 

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2 thoughts on “Things I Do Because I Am Afraid

    1. Thank you for not driving me silly with exclamation points.

      I think the feelings of not enough are at least partly derived from not being able to meet someone’s expectations. I can meet several of many people’s expectations, but I can’t meet all of any one specific person’s expectations. Because I can’t make any one person happy, I always feel like I’m letting someone down. I know it sounds silly when I actually say it, but I don’t think I’m alone in using that logic in my internal dialogue.

      Like

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